5 Reasons Against Being Likeable
Who cares if not everyone likes you?
How much of yourself are you compromising in order to be liked? Do you find yourself constantly reshaping your dialogue, maybe even your values, your style…you? How much of your energy is expended to go against your grain?
Why?
I am a hyper-sensitive being who incessantly worries about offending or hurting someone — saying the wrong thing can usurp my purpose of a genuine and kind connection. I want the company in my presence to feel welcomed, accepted, and heard, and if that is not the case, I will be left to the despairing aftermath in my mind.
My predisposition is to analyze every angle and find a definitive answer on what someone thinks about me. I internalize. Doubt dominates. Did I not articulate enough? Was that not the right word? Did I just look like a complete idiot? Given that this is nothing but a crippling mindset, I’ve learned to pop these thought bubbles straight upon arrival. Although, my security system isn’t one-hundred percent foolproof.
Because, yes. I’d like to be liked. By. Everyone. Until I realize again — betting on the notion that life would be so much easier will in actuality leave my life very much uneasier. In the case that I would break myself for the sake of being liked, what would be happening on the outside would have to disassociate with what’s going on inside. If I aim to please, I would have to sacrifice some of the honest pieces of myself and that doesn’t measure up to one of my top values: integrity. That is the part I will fail shall I blindly pursue likeability.
I will not be true to myself if I mold into some arbitrary personage that others would like me to be.
And the identity that is expected of me could be based on someone else’s story, internal struggles, societal pressures — and really, what does that have anything to do with me?
I challenge you to ask yourself, why trade-off your truth for someone else’s approval? For someone else to like you?
Reasons against trying to be liked
It’s not your job to convince someone that you’re awesome.
I build and practice self-esteem and self-love every day which includes surrounding myself with friends and family who are both inspiring and encouraging. They are not to be confused as “yes” people, but rather, confidants who give constructive advice and feedback when asked that I trust comes from a place of wanting to see me meet my goals and exceed my aspirations. Make sure you have your allies.
Criticism should not come from the motive of gaining a competitive edge whether it’s at work and/or it’s personal. Some feed off of bringing others down in order to prop themselves up when it only brews negativity in return. You will need the fortitude to face these individuals and say out loud or internally, ‘no thank you, I will not participate in your games” because when you do, it’ll be a grave waste of your time. You will lose control of your own journey by hitching a ride on their rocky one.
These detractors have something in their souls that they need to work out and unless you hold a degree in psychology or you were put on this Earth specifically to fix their issues, keep your distance.
Stay on your track, let these folks figure themselves out on their own since we cannot do it for them, and be confident in what you have to offer. You’re amazing.
They don’t like you due to their own missed opportunities, and that’s not your fault.
The point above segues into this one: Some will take the fact that they didn’t move sooner, if at all, out on you. That’s called jealousy.
Because I’ve dedicated hours and hours into following reality shows (who would have thought reality TV is actually a great escape from reality), I’ll put my expertise into good use by setting up a scenario from The Bachelor/Bachelorette.
At the “rose ceremony,” a contestant who the bachelor/bachelorette has already marked as safe from elimination, still decides to steal him/her away for additional alone time which in effect would take away valuable time those on the chopping block could use. This happens every season, and every season, this bold person is attacked by his/her competitors and then made out to be the outlaw for the duration of the show.
Why should any contestant care how the others feel about their romantic gesture? Selfishness, courageousness, whatever you want to call it — Don’t hate. Congratulate. And do better. The Bachelor/Bachelorette is there to find their forever person. That’s what counts in the end. Think of the desired outcome.
For you GOT fans, we were clear on Cersei, another so-called villain. Her family was the most important to her and she let that be known. I’d take transparency over shadiness any day.
If you put your intentions out there and people don’t like it, and consequently you, at least you’re being true to yourself (and to them.)
They don’t like you due to their own misgivings, and that’s also not your fault.
The same as before, except - people will feel some kind of way about you if they’re envious of a trait that you have which they lack.
I found myself annoyed by people who often interrupted meetings or conference calls to ask questions or to make comments. Can’t they just be quiet and let us continue? Though when I was honest with myself, I figured out the main reason I was quietly mean-mugging and it wasn’t that I yearned for the meeting to be over so I can get to my to-do list, it was instead because I didn’t have the courage to share my idea, opinion, or whatever needed clarity out loud to the group. I didn’t like anyone who chimed in because they had what I so desperately wanted.
When I publicly speak, my heart rate shoots up as if I just did the one-hundred-meter dash, my mouth becomes dry like I’m walking through the Sahara, and my hands shake as if I’ve shot down four espressos. I could either say nothing and avoid the reactions, or I could work on getting past the nerves and the internal blockades. The latter became what I selected.
Though that’s not all. Once I made the connection that this insecurity was presenting itself in the form of resentment, I understood that I would have to stop taking it out on those that did it well and start manifesting it into respect for them, and as fuel for improvement.
Watch out for that misguided energy when you feel like someone isn’t exactly fond of you due to your strengths, and the other way around.
If we don’t speak up on the things we know or think we know, we will miss having that discussion.
“Don’t fear confrontation. Fear what happens when you don’t speak up for yourself.”
Earlier, I mentioned that I am terrified of offending someone. However, I should trust myself more — I’m an empathetic person and I take great care into the words I put out.
We currently have a heightened sensitivity to the conversations pertaining to race and culture. I’m a minority. Yes, it’s exhausting having to represent a whole group of individuals who share lineage but have vastly different opinions. We are not all the same. Ask me a question or make a comment, whether it’s ignorant or offensive, and personally — my consciousness is to reply in a way that you may learn from. In a perfect world, I will not get angry — even if it’s warranted. I’ve worked hard to keep my cool as it just feels better for me. I could tell you to go read this or that, watch this or that, put in the work, and allow the breadth of knowledge and various points of view fill your curiosity.
In return, I’d be reminded that we have continued healing to do in this country and we all have to keep pushing through, whereas you’d hopefully realize the many resources out that could be leveraged on one’s own time if the inquisitiveness and the hope for growth is legit.
On the other hand, if you hold your thoughts onto yourself, and if we pressure each other into silence, how will we all ever move forward? When we shame dialogue that addresses the centuries-long issues we seek to impair, progress is not possible.
It’s difficult to articulate frustrations and points at which we do not understand. And, it’s uncomfortable. But we will remain in darkness when we don’t open space for what needs to be brought to light. Be the brave one that advances us to a world we dream to be in.
When you’re not being yourself, and you’ll regret it later on in life.
Have younger friends to keep you young, and older friends to keep you wise. The best advice that I’ve been given from my elders is to do what my heart and mind want because one day I will not have the opportunity. If there is something special you’ve been wanting to say to someone special, do it. The response could be hurtful at the moment, or it could be rewarding. Either way, at least you did your part.
I have been in many situations where I am worried about a friend or family member upon hearing something disturbing they’ve said or done. If this friend’s behavior will cause harm to their health and safety, I will tell them in the most loving delivery I can find.
The unsolicited concern could backfire. The person on the receiving end could distance themselves from you. They could negatively talk behind your back. They could…dislike you. Yet, concealing your worry and allowing the enablement and complicity of hurtful and destructive actions is not the way to go.
Time is the most valuable commodity we have. Take no regrets. Speak your mind.
I’m glad that you’re ready to forge this world into a more accepting place. However, there is always a disclaimer: even the strongest of principles may not be applicable everywhere. Gravity is all around us except beyond this hemisphere. Therefore, before going completely unhinged and taking this newfound liberty on, consider first if the time and place are appropriate for your messaging.
Whether you’ve subscribed to, or you’re in the process of signing up for the subscription that being likable isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be — here are some pointers to keep in mind:
- Don’t be disrespectful. Don’t be rude. Calling someone outside of their name no matter how badly you want to will only make that person(s) feel bad and/or inferior and will be counterproductive. Just, don’t be mean. It will also reflect badly on yourself.
- Don’t forget to empathize. Someone going through a traumatic or sensitive experience should be handled with the utmost responsibility.
- Do be thoughtful about your approach. Take great care with your words and actions because they’re powerful. Words have the potential of sticking to someone for the rest of their lives. Take accountability and master your communication and your delivery in order to be effective.
- Do seek to understand. Just as Former President Barack Obama postulated, how do we expect to have our opinions heard if we don’t take the time to try to understand the other viewpoint? That’s how the real conversation progresses.
- Do be prepared to not be right and admit it. It’s empowering to go out and preach, but if you think there is nothing new or thoughtful that you can gain from others, then you could be missing out and doing a disservice to yourself.
- If you dish it, you do gotta take it. You know those people who are happy to criticize someone else, though when it comes their way, they get mad and defensive? Don’t be that person. You can’t expect others to not have a point of view.
Ask yourself why you are trying so hard to be liked. Has it just been an unobserved obligation? As a recap, here’s what could be right about forging ahead without needing the approval of others:
- It’s not your job to convince someone that you’re awesome.
- They don’t like you due to their own missed opportunities, and that’s not your fault.
- They don’t like you due to their own misgivings, and that’s also not your fault.
- If we don’t speak up on the things we know or think we know, we will miss having that discussion.
- When you’re not being yourself, and you’ll regret it later on in life.
