Authenticity.

How well do you know yourself? Your true self…

I’ve often visited that question usually by way of an article or quiz that I couldn’t help but to stop right in my tracks and read. Next, I make way for that internal scanner which seems to only pick up on the dissonance…but from what? Then yet again, I arrive right back where I started: who the f*ck am I? What’s my authencity? Not being able to respond swiftly and confidently made me feel like a confused being wandering about the earth.

Speaking of earth, I decided to study The New Earth which actually offered a lot of reprieve and helped me to be ok with saying I do not fully know myself neither would I want to. Eckart Tolle teaches that if you know your every corner, there would be no room to grow and no space to be curious. The first time turned through that chapter, I received that concept. What if I’m a bad-ass drummer? What if I’m a visionary director? What if I’m a master chef? Well, perhaps the last one is taking it a bit too far, but the point is, I haven’t spent enough time on any of the above to know if I’d excel at it if I put my mind to it. On those grounds, I am not good at so and so at the moment.

Years ago, I would have said I’m not an able public speaker. My voice shakes, it doesn’t project, it’s too high-pitched, and I’m dubious on how to even collect my thoughts and deliver a message as intended for others to comprehend. However, years ago is not today. Today after a number of Toastmasters meetings, practice with presentation tools, and doing whatever it took to boost my self-confidence, I believe myself to be pretty good at talking in front of group. I’m no Michelle Obama by any stretch of the imagination, nevertheless, the belief I once held about myself did not stand true longitudinally.

We are allowed to reform our minds as we receive more data and as circumstances change. We are allowed to revise and we’re allowed to evolve.

If I’m constantly trying to strengthen my relationships, the quality of my work, and my confidence, how would it be possible that I didn’t do any shifting? I don’t with to seem fake or that I didn’t really mean it before when I reroute. I want to be as authentic as possible which means aligning every step that I take with my values, one being self-improvement, but technically that could change in the future too.

The truth is, time is the one constant we can be sure of and it affects things both within and beyond our control. This year has most certainly reminded us of that.

Moreover, other factors, such as the people who enter our lives, influence the person you are as well.

For instance, never in a million years would I have imagined being a homeowner in New York City. And when I say never, I mean never. I didn’t even entertain the idea because I didn’t think it was possible. I am is a minority in a system set up with camouflaged and deliberate obstacles for people who look like me. So there’s that, and I’m also not a millionaire which I presumed was a requirement for being able to afford anything in this expensive city. I imagined that I’d have to sit outside until my future husband, who earns more on the dollar than I do, appeared or until I could wait to sell big with any of my scripts.

How often do we wait around for someone or something to happen in order to take action in pursing our dreams?

Fast forward to today, I am indeed a homeowner in NYC and I wholeheartedly contribute it to the motivation by and inspiration of my best friends, single women who made it happen for themselves. You can say that they’ve changed my life.

The sense of this huge accomplishment reminded me that I didn’t need that other stuff that would have forced me outside of my center. Compromising myself by buying into what I had inadvertently picked up from societal points of views was not the way. You don’t always need this to get that. Consider that you may already have everything that you need. We call it abundance.

Adopting this mindset allows me to be true to me. Also called for is the necessity to be brutally honest.

And honestly, what I put out there into the world all depends. I do act and behave differently whether I’m in my new home, at work, at a party, one on one, or on a date. The authenticity still remains real throughout. Let take a deeper dive, and see if you agree.

At work

I boot up my laptop and caliberate my calendar. A client call on the books translates into putting myself together. I pull my hair back, smooth on a colorful lipstick, stencil in the eyeliner and throw on some earrings. Some may say, why go out of your way? Doesn’t that go against being real and natural? To that, I say perhaps. Although, I do feel more self-assured. I feel fresh, I feel ready, and I feel like somebody you don’t want to mess with. I have my proverbial game face on and I mean business. I realize that this could come across as old fashioned, but the reality is, I simply like to dress up. Fashion is a part of me and is how I express my mood. If that doesn’t do it for you, I advise against it. It just works for me.

What I also have to do is monitor the words that leave my mouth. It’s necessary from a risk standpoint and I’m representing a company and a brand.

If the meeting is only internal with colleagues, I still watch what I say, yet I let up a little bit.

Bottom line is, yes I put limits on what work sees. I chose the company, my profession and that paycheck that keeps the lights on. If at any time I don’t fundamentally agree with my employer, I will reconsider. For now, I’m good. And when I am ready to let my hair down, that’s for my friends.

At a party

When I say party, I mean any social gathering. I’m mostly an introvert who gets energy from quiet and stillness, but I also find fulfillment in being out there in a crowd. I enjoy meeting people and talking pop culture, life, and even politics. I get to, again, dress up and show out. I can be fun and have fun. Logistically I have to fight to get into conversation at times due to my voice not being the loudest one but I want to step up to the plate and acclimate to the scene. After all, what’s the point of being at a social function if you don’t socialize? My authencity comes from being a good listener and making real connections. It’s real because I’m genuinely having a kosher time.

One on one

My preferred interaction is a one to one conversation. It’s easier for me to speak without trying to work in a comment (unless I’m just dealing with a super talker – no hope there.)

I appreciate the direct candidness. Whether it’s a delightful discussion or a pain point, it’s you to me, me to you without an audience. There is less of the pressure to say something funny or to be judged, and the brain can fully hone in on the social cues of the one other person. It’s easier to listen in more closely with minimal distractions and it’s s easier to have the opportunity to share more.

With a partner

I’m over protective with myself since it is here that I allow myself to get hurt the most. Although any misunderstandings that I have with my friends do cut, for some reason injuries are the deepest in my romantic encounters. And I should be somewhat guarded being that when I give my heart, I expect the same back.

I’m more careful, I’m more watchful, yet I’m still me. I want to give out my true vibes so that the other person understands what they’re signing up for. While I do put in the effort for making myself attractive, I know that can only go so far. The rest is left up to being around each other not at our best, being around each other during stress, and being around each other when there’s no candlelit dinner. For me, its the ultimate acceptance of one another.

At home

And I mean home as in parents house which is my house too. I instantly become a teenager again, returning to their nest after hanging out with friends at a respectable time all while trying to hide the alcohol on my breath. Crazy since I’m pushing 40 and we’re all adults now. In fact, our talks have changed from them telling me “what” to do to “why” to do and “how” to do. They give their opinions and I freely make mine. It’s like…we’re friends or something? So weird. And then I recoil right back to my younger self when my father dictates me to wash the dishes exactly the way he does or it’s not considered clean. I guess I’m in their house so I’ll do comply and keep the peace. Regardless, I am glad to be home and relax. Even if I don’t tell the full story about what I did with my crew the night before, it’s only due to the fact that I don’t want them to worry. I am still me and I am only being thoughtful. What they don’t know wont hurt either of us. In their defense, being a parent regards a way of being too.

At home home

I watch horrible reality shows, the murder shows (I’m a screenwriter always in search for content and confirmation), 80/90s/00s music videos, and more of what we deem are guilty pleasures. It’s not guilty for me though. In my quarters, I shall do whatever I please. I can wear two different socks and my hair take the shape of the last pillow. I could have a coffee stain on the white hoodie I’ve had for eight years or I could have a hole in my sleeve that is held together by a safety pin. Who cares? Certainly not me at home when no one but my dog is watching.

I love it, and yet at the same time I can’t stay there for too long or I’d feel like a depressed slouch. I would sincerely miss my boss work self, my fun party self, my intimate friend self, my lover self, and my family self.

See what I did? There’s an appropriate time, person, and place for everything and no matter what, I am still me.

To the many books and articles out there that challenge you to bring your authentic self to the workplace or anywhere else, I challenge you to assess what what you want to experience in that particular second and be it.

I would be remiss if we didn’t discuss what would not be helpful in this discovery. 1) Vulnerability is at the heart of connecting as humans. Putting up a facade to prevent others from getting inside would likely work against you. The brightly colored top that I may don at times is not to hide anything, but rather to put myself in a happy mood to make way for success. Let yourself shine. 2) Watch out for the pressure to conform to a culture that cultivates bias. We all have different textures of hair, skin tones, and backgrounds that must be accepted and embraced. 3) Integrity is as the core of trusting each other as human beings. Communicate verbally and non-verbally with purpose and do what genuinely feels right for you.

If you’re conflicted about being your authentic self, take into account the various elements, most espcially time, that call on the diverse parts of yourself. You can always be true to your DNA, being entirely true to the moment.