Setting boundaries with people may involve a lot of mental gymnastics. When is a good time to do it? How would you put it? Is it really worth it?
I confess that in the past, I have been horrible at saying what I really feel. Though as hindsight would have it, I learned that not being upfront had mostly caused the psychological drama I was trying to silently avoid in the first place, for myself and my loved ones. But I gave the whole boundary thing the uncomfortable go…and wow. Turns out people do indeed want to know when they’ve gone too far (if tactfully established.)
With this illuminating lesson, I became a better communicator, thus a better friend, family member and coworker, and have never felt more empowered than ever even when it still doesn’t quite come natural.
To keep on down this path at any rate, I remind myself why giving the stiff arm goes against the grain for me — which helps. See if these four main reasons below hit you.
You’re preserving someone’s feelings
Don’t get me wrong, it’s an admirable trait to put others before yourself.
However, if your friend invites to that pricey speakeasy that you don’t want to go to because you’re trying to save money that month yet you go anyway — how are you and your bank account going to feel about it afterwards? Regretful. Or if a family member gifts article of clothing every birthday that you never like but you keep accepting it anyway, what happens? You toss away their money.
You’re being so kind and thoughtful but if you are positive the outcome will be negative, then you may need to speak up in order to be considerate of yourself as well.
You’re still preserving someone’s feelings, particularly when the uncertainty around their response is scary
There are times you’re not sure if the result will be well-received or not. Putting your foot down when someone says something out of turn comes at the risk of making the other person upset, and that could lead to an unpleasant argument, or even more detrimental, an end to that relationship.
In trying ‘setting boundaries’ out for size, I took the step to text a friend about something hurtful they said — thinking that approach would be quick and painless. Nope, didn’t go over well. So, I did it again with another friend a few months later, with extra tender, love, and care to the message because that was missing, right? Wrong. That turned out to be a fail too. In both instances, I should not have sent anything sensitive through a phone (we’ll meet again and explore why) — that was on me.
However, the real point I want to make is that after seeing one friend not talking to me for months on end versus the other who wanted to work it out — I came away understanding the type of person I wanted to keep in my circle.
And if expressing your feelings comes down to that, you’re doing yourself a favor.
You’re shaming yourself
Their gossiping about someone I care about doesn’t bother me but it does. When they keep bringing up my weight, I’ll just ignore it but you don’t. They’re so ignorant when it comes to the culture, but they may not mean it like that so it’s not really a big deal yet yes, it indeed is.
First, silence is complicity. Second, don’t shame yourself.
And finally, don’t feel ashamed for sticking up for subjects or people that matter to you. As much as this hurts to hear, when they don’t respect your voice, the bottom line is they don’t respect you which is their own problem. You can certainly be an ear and seek to understand, however they ultimately need to settle whatever issues they have with themselves.
It’s too hard to talk about
You may get unsolicited questions about a personal situation. You feel the pressure to answer what is your business. Genuine curiosity is how honest communication is had, and some just want to check on you — both can be true. However, you still have the right to say you don’t want to talk about it or you are not ready to talk about it right now. Be unapologetically forthright because the other wonderful phenom is that when you don’t — it’ll definitely happen again and again and again.
You’ll get pushed until the day you lose it. It’s one thing if you’ve stood up for yourself before, and another if you have just stayed seated. Give them the chance to hear you ask them to kindly back off and give them a chance to respond. Then, you can act accordingly.
So ok, great. You’re understanding why it’s tough for you to protect your space. Now, how do you do that, especially if you want to maintain your kindness? Here are some suggestions in different points in time.
When you gotta say something in the moment
I hear you, but this is just my opinion (or for me)…
Thank you for your concern, but I’m not ready to talk about that right now.
When you regretfully didn’t say anything in that moment
Hey friend, you said something that I can’t get out of my head (or that’s been bothering me), so when you have a chance, let’s have a drink about it.
Hey, I didn’t know exactly what to say when I heard you say…and now that I’ve had some time to think, let’s talk about it next time we see each other in person.
When you know it’s coming
Just FYI, regarding…I would like to spend our time not talking about it because I’m not in the right headspace at the moment but I’m looking forward to catching up.
Happy to hang out, but full disclosure, I am on a strict budget. We can still meet up somewhere else if you want, or we can at another time when my purse strings have loosened up.
Having your company is more than enough, so please don’t feel the need to spend anything on me. Thank you for always thinking of me! (Or I appreciate you!)
Use any combination above, and you will have that heaviness off your shoulders. The other option is to limit your interaction with that person because gotta do what you gotta do to be territorial of your mental space.
To sum it up, although it may seem easier to let the unsettling things that people say or do to you go, allowing others to cross the line intentionally or unintentionally will only cause more heartburn in the long run. The people that want to be in your life and that want the best for you will understand, and if they don’t respect your voice, at least you’ll have more respect for yourself.
Be mature about it, be strong in the moment, and don’t let them go there.
