Because it’s logistically easier. Putting someone else down, even in our heads, makes us feel better about ourselves. The sudden ego boost skyrockets like stonks.
On the other hand, love is scary. Terrifying. It was only very recently that I told my mother that I loved her - a sentiment I have shared only a handful of times through my decades on this earth. The timing seemed right, given that her brother, my uncle, passed away from COVID. Should be a no-brainer to tell someone you love that you love them, right? And why does tragedy have to happen in order for us to realize that life is short, therefore, we must say what’s on our minds today?
Why is love so goddam hard? Putting yourself out there and being vulnerable makes you susceptible to getting hurt. One must be preemptive by grabbing protective armor, closing the gate, and shutting out any possibility of an unplanned attack. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
And hate because it’s the power position. But is it? Let’s put our guards down just for a second to ascertain the beliefs we have cemented into place.
First things first. As a disclaimer, I acknowledge the fact that hate is such a strong word. In the cases below, the intention of using it is not to convey disgust, hostility, or abhor, but rather, is to be met with lighter rhetoric. Think about the title of the movie “Ten Thing I Hate About You” (post-millennials may have to look that one up.)
Secondly, the line between love and hate is actually a broad one. A lot can reside somewhere in between.
Lastly, self-love does not apply to any of the below. Never ever give up on you. The best relationship to have is with yourself.
Use what you’re about to read as a guide to steer incisive thought.
Family
Caring for one another should be as automatic as a light sensor, right? Even though affection and selfless gestures are to be expected, because we don’t choose our bloodline, it can actually be quite complicated.
You may not have a good relationship with a close relative. They could have done something so haunting that you’re at the point of no return. Have you ever bailed a sibling out without a simple thank you or return of any favor? They don’t deserve anything from you. Not even a fist bump.
Or perhaps you haven’t had those sought out three words said to you. We are so impressionable as kids, that what we don’t hear is just as important as what we do and it later subconsciously affects us in obstructive ways that we don’t even register.
Hate if you want, but consider this: if that person who you’ve grown up with perishes this earth before you do, are you good with the last thing you said? Or will you be regretful that you didn’t reach out when you meant to? Not to say that you should repeat learned lessons — just take into consideration the worst thing that could happen with being kind to everyone which includes the people who do not share your conscious level.
Friends
These people you have selected to be in your world. Whether it’s a pal that is always up for the club, or one that you put down as a reference for a job prospect, they provide some kind of needed support and comfort for you.
The L-word may be a little less frightening in this category especially when you’re not the first to say it. And when you are and they don’t return the gesture, even though it’ll feel like rejection, at least you’ll discover that you could be more into the friendship than they are
Hate if you want, but think about the pay-it-forward concept. Could you afford to lift someone’s mood, lighten someone’s day, or raise their self-esteem a little? Do it. Love is precisely what this world needs right now.
Lovers
This one is the toughest in my book. We don’t typically want to be the partner that’s more into the relationship than the other, as we so often hear is a thing. Yet, our feelings have a mind of their own.
I met someone who completely rocked my world. We shared movies, playlists, health and exercise tips, quirks, laughs, and energy. It was refreshing. I didn’t have to try, meaning that I could be my true, authentic self and our conversations just rolled. Though while I was ready to take care of that person and share my all, the timing was all off. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but in essence and even if it leaves me wistful, nothing compares to having that kind of experience.
Hate if you want, but what if that person is the love of your life? Your life! Say it ain’t so, you will still carry on and continue your journey. Plenty of love songs and stories confirm that you will survive. You have to at least try. It’ll be worth it, I can promise that.
The theme throughout is giving and not receiving, for lack of a better word, sucks and it makes sense why it does. There’s no justice, no balance, and it isn’t fair…but neither is life. Assess your case and level-set how much you have in you to offer. Recall times when you weren’t at your best and yet someone close to you was there by your side unconditionally.
Or, you may have answered a solid yes to keeping the status quo as is to some or all the above. To this end, not much could change your mind. No hating on that. You’re ready to move on. It’s your choice.
After all, as Nina Simone says
“You have to learn to get up off the table when love is no longer served.”
And that’s OK too. Sometimes you have to protect your heart.
