One, Two, Breakthrough
Transform your thinking in these 2 ways.
I recently lost my grandma. I was the youngest of many grandchildren by a good margin so I would try to catch up on what I missed by entreating stories from her which she, in turn, was so delighted to share. Taking stock of the strong bond we formed made for an extremely painful mourning. At her funeral, while I wanted to ball my eyes out, I refrained. No one else was crying. Not that she wouldn’t be dearly missed — she was the glue of our family and we all loved and cherished her more than any words could say. She was witty. She was sharp. She was a hustler. She was wisdom. She was our history. Even though we all were suffering internally, what every person in the room was trying to do was exhibit strength. It wan’t until her sister unleashed and grabbed towards the casket that I finally felt permission to let a tear drop.
That’s just how it was. Adversity is to be matched with stoicism.
In accordance of acknowledging that a display of emotion did not equate to strength, I worked hard to suppress anything that dare attempt to reach the surface which I was apparently not always good nor successful at. If I reacted too sentimentally or even too angrily, I would be called highly sensitive, and I would interpret that as meaning one thing — I was weak. Yet, I couldn’t fully make that conclusion for several reasons.
I was a collegiate athlete, a competitive weight-lifter, and a marathon runner. While all require great physical toughness, mental endurance is equally as important in getting through any grueling training or competition.
Let’s also not forget, I’ve had my heart broken into a million pieces from failed romances innumerable times before. Like Gloria Gaynor, I did survive.
On top of that, I’ve willingly lived in New York City for over 15 years. This fast, gritty, and no nonsense environment is not meant for the faint of heart.
If I’m so weak, then how in the world am I still surviving and thriving? This mental struggle didn’t add up. It caused me a great deal of frustration and I had to figure it out.
I decided to glean as much psychology as I could understand. My goal wasn’t to clinically diagnose myself or to crack the complex code of being human, it was to try to make sense of how I should be processing feelings as they come through.
Is it healthy to express my moods, or is it better I find techniques to make them disappear? Is it necessary to capture the origin of my triggers, or should I place more focus on how to properly behave going forward? Working through these questions will have an impact on every aspect of my life — relationships, work, and self.
On the general topic of well-being, I sought the guidance of respected subject matter experts and engulfed myself in articles, podcasts, and TedTalks. What I took away was 2 doctrines I believe primed me for the mental freedom I was pursuing, and the breakthrough that was to come.
1. I am not my emotions or mood.
In the Western culture, you communicate your moods as if it is your identity. If your energy is low, you would typically say “I am tired.” Although in many languages you would put it into words as, “I have tired” or “I feel tired” which actually sounds more fitting. Say you’ve gotten plenty of sleep, you had a healthy breakfast that was actually tasty, and all the aches or pains you had yesterday have miraculously vanished. You feel great, so you proclaim “I am great.” In actuality, that statement can take on a very different meaning. Yes, you are great — you’re a great person indeed. Alternatively, when you feel melancholy — that’s not who you are. You are human.
Once you recognize mood as a separate entity, you’ll have the ability to isolate it, deconstruct it, and realize that it’s only passing through. Feelings are fluid.
This small linguistic tweak changed my frame of mind in an instrumental way.
2. Judging myself is counterproductive.
Shame is so deep-rooted into our psyches that we don’t even realize how much it shows up in invariable forms. When I go out to walk my dog first thing in the morning, I often feel embarrassed of my unruly hair and mismatched clothing. When a coworker asks me a question that I’m not prepared to answer correctly, I feel disappointed in myself — I should know everything. When I eat a full bag of chips, I can hear the guilt get louder with every bite.
How many times throughout the day do you mindless beat yourself up even about insignificant things?
Not to say that you should not be accountable for your actions or lack thereof, but constant negative self-talk will have adverse effects. Once you catch the critical thought, turn it around. Back to my eating a big bag of chips, I could let the regret lead me down a rabbit hole full of junk food, or I can forgive myself and consider what led me to that decision in the first place. Am I really that starved, or am I eating my stress? It’s likely the later.
Do face the issue, yet be constructive and be kind about it. Nothing good will come out of abusing yourself. You have to be your biggest supporter and your biggest cheerleader. No one is perfect and we are all allowed to learn and grow at our own pace.
In adopting both concepts as my truths, I subsquently untangled what acceptance meant. It does not service me in any way to dismiss my feelings and my actions — they are coming from somewhere. They are valid. What’s not valid is the stigma associated with emitting emotion and that perception is not within my control. However, the power that I do own is getting to the real root cause because in doing so, I can make the right choices for myself in the future.
As I became so intensely concentrated in this paradigm shift, I kind of forgot what I was chasing — the breakthrough. Then one day, it just happened.
I talk to my therapist every couple of weeks. Right before each session, I’m always prepared to tell her that we don’t need to schedule any more. We’ve discussed my history already. What else is left?
What’s left is only the gap between where I was yesterday and where I want to be tomorrow which will probably never be filled for a couple of reasons: Hard knocks will come, and I could use the help with my approach. I admit that I do gain perspective at the end of the hour, especially this time.
As per usual, my therapist opened up with the simple ask about how my week went, and I definitely let her know. I had just gotten off of a work call that resulted in me feeling very irritated with myself. When I’m in a meeting with higher-ups, it’s like my personality becomes paralyzed. I shy away from telling a light-hearted joke, offering my opinion, and essentially, being me. My counselor did what she does best and helped me to navigate the reasoning. Together we dug deeper and deeper until we hit something — that’s right, a tear duct.
While I was already fully aware that I’ve been suppressing feelings, I didn’t take into account the other side of it:
I had been hiding myself.
And closing myself off started with the little girl who couldn’t raise her hand in class. The optics of having the fortitude to take on life’s challenges didn’t cross my mind at all at that age. That part came later. Rather, it was more about me perceiving my reality as too different, and in my head, too unworthy to impart. That’s really where the block came from. It then led to the pre-teen who was so desperate to make friends with a particular group, whose realities she thought was better than hers, only to find that they would later shun her. It’s no wonder I didn’t speak up at my job or in general— I had taught myself to conceal myself.
Following that discovery, I decided that I wanted to show who I was. Not only do I owe it to myself, I also owe it to that little girl. She did the best she could do and it will not go in vain. I accept her, I accept the journey, and I am proud of both. While it may seem weird talking to one’s younger self in third person, it did hit home for me. I even wrote a letter to her. Something about it gave me a bigger purpose.
My obstacle was the fear of expressing myself and I got past it by being unapologetic about my voice and the person that I am. And while the journey to being my best self is ongoing, I’ve never felt freer.
If you’ve hit a mental stalemate, I encourage to incorporate these two takeaways into your belief system — you are not your emotions and moods, and judging yourself is counterproductive. Give it a try and see where it takes you, at your own pace. When you lean into openness and commit yourself to the cause, it will only be a matter of time before you see a breakthrough too.
