Ever heard of a COVID fling? Well, brace yourself. I experienced a love story that sailed through Corona season like a swan-shaped yacht in the night only to sink into the ocean before it even got close to reaching the shore. It’s OK though. The journey was right on brand with the year 2020 and there are no hard feelings.
Actually, it’s all hard feelings — parting ways is never easy no matter what the circumstances are.
With open arms and a mask, I welcomed all of the craved C’s that we may be lacking these days — the company, the closeness of a human being, and the connection. Yet as I remember the things I missed about my Ronamance, including ‘the talk’, I do take stock of the warning signs as one should do in order to survive and thrive and move on.
And to be honest, a COVID break-up is a lot like a regular one. The very same barrage of emotions floods your core filling in the void and the space you once made for that person. And you are left to figure out how to find a replacement which I guess would be even harder with social distancing. Nonetheless, you find more work, a dating app, you call your friends up, dark dramas, and anything to get from being stuck in your head and your heart.
But before you continue on your path to what’s next, it’s important that you carve in some reflection while it’s fresh. Why? You may forget why the relationship didn’t last in the long run and subsequently, you may end up repeating the cycle again.
Take a time out.
Work through your thoughts so that you can settle up and attract better.
While the wound hadn’t quite healed, I decided to write down what didn’t work and followed that up with what I must watch out for in the future.
The worst thing about breaking up is when you finally acknowledge that you missed the writing in plain sight. The worst things about breaking up are when you realize:
- A non-negotiable box that you had very high on your list was not ticked.
For me, laughter was necessary. I have to be with someone with who I could literally LOL and ROFL. Over the course of my romantic bout with….let’s call him the ex-factor, I can recall him making me laugh only twice.
Yes, you’ve read that correctly. He told me a funny story about something he did in high school. One would have to wonder if that was really the last time he did something amusing. The other chuckle I got came about the way in which he actually laughed which was a nerdy, hyperventilating sort of action. I found it endearing. As it turned out, we did not at all share the same kind of humor. I had to turn to my dog and my friends for a good ole cackle.
I’m not asking to date a comedian, I’m only seeking a best friend within my lover, and a best friend should brighten my day with joy. Stay true to what you want in a person, and try not to let go of what you’re seeking in a relationship.
2. You did see the proverbial red-flags, and you let it wave in the wind.
I remember the ex-factor saying something along the lines of dating someone is always be great in the beginning, but then it quickly dies off. It goes without saying that the woo-ing and the wining and the dining are such beautiful moments in the beginning. And if you like each other enough, you set up four walls around the two of you. The definition of being exclusive to me is not just having lust and passion, but also including commitment and curiosity. It’s glorious to get swept off your feet by the rush and potential, though at some point you’re going to have to land on the ground and walk the journey together.
What I took out of his comment is that he is only there for the highs and then he was ready to bail once the wings started to lower a little bit. Over and over again, he must have gotten too comfortable and thought he had his person figured well enough to navigate the relationship as if it’s the last turn he takes every day before getting home. The part he got to know about me was the tip of the iceberg. There are so many facets and layers that he’ll never have the opportunity to explore. We stopped sharing new experiences. He stopped asking questions. Maybe this was the cycle for him? Who knows. It’s not for me to figure out.
For the purpose of lessons learned, I prefer to be with someone who doesn’t get complacent. Stagnation is the end.
3. The person doesn’t know how to communicate.
Simply put, the person does not know how to open their mouth when something bothers them. As mentioned, there will be ups and downs with any person you keep close to you in your life. After spending a good amount of time with your partner, there will likely be wrinkles to smooth out. In my case, I was dating a guy who saw life differently than I did, and approached things in ways that I did not. That was OK to me being that I saw that as a chance to learn from one another. The fact that we came from polar opposite worlds was interesting and exciting for me, but he saw it as a negative. What I found out during the break-up convo is that he was frustrated with me at times. How was I to know if he didn’t say it when whatever happened? He allowed it to slowly brew up and build until he hit a breaking point and made a mess of it. We were never able to talk it through, and he couldn’t even articulate it during the break-up itself. Or, he chose not to articulate it. You may notice I keep using “it” because at this point I still have no idea what “it” was given the zero explanation.
I am of a particular age and point in my life where I would rather be with a partner who truly speaks their mind and doesn’t expect other people to know how to exercise osmosis.
4. You didn’t have many shared activities.
I’ll have to admit that I did find the need to hide certain parts of myself. I had a wild and fun past whereas he had, in my humble opinion, a pretty straight and narrow past. Hesitating to talk about the crazy stories my friends and I used to get into in fear of getting judged should have said something right there.
And then there is how I manage my everyday life — how I manage the day and how I work in the simple pleasures. I go through several playlists as I run, work, and get my chores done. He, on the other hand, operates in quietness during these same activities. Doesn’t everyone enjoy music? I would play something as we cooked together, and I thought giving out some little well know facts about the songs or the singer would make for fun conversation, but he didn’t match my energy. On top of that, I was almost certain that the type of tunes that get me dancing and piping would be of no interest to him. From my vantage, he didn’t step out of his comfort zone and I regularly do which could have become a conflict with me having to be the one to mostly compromise. I mean, I was willing to throw on some Bee Gees if it gave him a pulse, even if Rihanna had to wait for my earphones. Eek.
We both did love running. Although he ran extra long miles all at a time and I did shorter ones more often so we didn’t hit the pavement together.
Fine. What else did we really have? Watching TV. Awesome? Not quite. We would default to the couple of shows we both agreed on — ‘agreed’ is loosely termed. I went along with the flow (which he didn’t like about me) because quality time is my love language and was being met whenever we cuddled on the couch and relaxed.
Next time, my partner and I are going to have to overlap in what we get pleasure from (and he’ll also need to appreciate my easygoing nature.)
All that being said, I can’t blame the ex-factor for everything. I do take ownership too.
I should have taken a quiet second to identify all of the above and really understood how much of myself I was comprising. Don’t get me wrong, I stayed in my center and I have a strong sense of self, but I was too wrapped up with being with someone nice and decent that I dulled myself down in order to keep everything going. I deserve the contrary. I deserve someone who makes me feel as though I can shine.
I recognize that I over-commit and over-accept every part of my partner even at the detriment of what I really want for myself. While I do want to prove that I’m a ride-or-die and non-judgemental lover, I must better determine the sustainability and the longevity of the relationship when the other person doesn’t even accept me back. I can be full on, though they have to be worth it, right?
I know what being in love is, and I wasn’t. I wasn’t even falling. I liked someone being there. However, I have to be careful of being for the sake of being, and I should stay focused on the true prize even if through the delays of COVID life.
The worst part of a break-up is falling into traps that may be the same ones. But…the best part about a break-up is opening yourself up to someone who’s a finer fit and will give you everything you ever wanted in love.
