You don’t belong at work. Do you stay, or do you go?
You are the only Asian in the room. The only black person. The gay. The female. The only single parent. And actually, it’s not just within those four walls, it’s the whole building which is kind of a problem.
Why?
First, in order for your colleagues to make some kind of sense about someone like you whom they have limited exposure to, they may reach into their internal catalog of the overdone stereotypes in the media. The representation of us on TV stems from propaganda decades ago that was meant to file us into lower castes and send the message that we’re inherently dumb, incapable, and even sinful. It is a false and dangerous reference point that burdens us with the overwhelming task of altering that narrative.
Another result of you being the only one is that since you come from a different culture, you may have different interests which translates into one less invite and opportunity to network with the people who potentially have influence over your career. Or, your circumstances don’t afford you the same freedoms and liberties to even be able to join outside work shindigs. You’ve got a mouth to feed or you have financial obligations that take unwavering priority over the whim to grab to go to happy hour.
Again, this is not good for you.
Finding a connection with your coworkers, which studies have shown is integral to your well-being and performance, is a challenge due to the fact that you are not them. Your options are 1) conceal your identity and blend into the scene, or 2) put your true self out there even when it means you’re opening yourself up to the cohort of unknown responses good, bad, annoying, or threatening. Even though we have the receipts for the benefits of a diverse workforce, if DEI is not on the agenda for your employer — they’ll continue to run into affinity bias and you’ll continue to be in a disadvantaged position.
So what do you do? Do you take off and break as fast as you can, or do you keep your feet firmly planted right on the company grounds and represent? I have the answer for you, though it won’t be easy. Such is life.
Let’s consider each scenario.
You go.
Peace out. You are done. You fight anxiously and solidly every day to fit in and no matter what you’re doing “right,” your social needs are not being met at a place to which you spend 40+ hours of your week.
Going against every grain of self is unnatural, not fair, and you’re being a sell-out. Your act has not and will not get you any Oscar and you haven’t found a way to reconcile that person at your desk and the person at your home or with friends and family. You know that you are you, I’d go with ‘perfect’, just as you are, but that is not what that work culture is saying.
Alternatively, you’re bringing every bit of you to the show, though the others don’t buy it. They don’t get your hair, your eyes, your schedule, your priorities, your accent — and you’re exasperated about and bewildered about the questions even when you understand it’s coming from genuine ignorance.
Either way, you have to select words exponentially more carefully than everyone else, being that you have been silently bestowed the role of representing all who are in your shoes since your colleagues didn’t stop to reason that we are all individuals at the end of the day. As it turns out, you did not sign up to be the Martin Luther King of your demographic, and so alas, you’re over it.
You need to be somewhere over the rainbow. Somewhere that gets you. Anything related to your neighborhood, your culture, or your struggles would be met with curiosity and understanding over judgment or pity. Together, you find that common denominator, and you have mutual respect for your individualities.
You’re liberated.
However, did you have to sacrifice your salary, career advancement, or career development? If so, are you ok with that? If this new job is what you’re looking for, claps for you. If not, then maybe it’s worth it that…
You stay.
In a world meant to shut you out, could you have been the one to leave the cracked for the next person of color? Gay? Single mother?
You have the potential to change minds. You take what’s yours, and take what’s ours. Someone has to do it, why can’t it be you? While it is probably true that our names will never be on a plaque and we’ll never have a star in the Walk of Fame, you are indeed paving the way for others who do not fit in. That’s what you will do, even if you don’t see it now.
Change the culture.
I know. It sucks. It’s exhausting. But I ask you to remember the sacrifices made for us. I’m sure you don’t have to scroll too far in history. We would not have been able to get a college degree without Alexander Lucius Twilight …We would be owning our own property as a female if it weren’t for RGB. We would not have an openly gay politician if it weren’t Harvey Milk.
And while we can walk along the trail that has been blazed for us, we still have a long, rough hike ahead of us. For far too long, certain people have succeeded in telling us we’re not enough and that we don’t deserve a bigger piece of the dream.
We have aspirations too. We all hope for a life of loved ones, and security. The majority has to get past the scarcity mindset and they have to realize that we have a lot in common. There is enough promise to get around. We can achieve a better world together.
Yet until we get there, to the change we want to see, we need you to take the baton and keep going. Find support and inspiration in books, articles, movies, people, your kids — it’s all around us. Each of us has to do our part no matter the size.
Although, I understand if it’s too much — if every day is psychologically wearing on you being the only seat at the table. Mental health affects the ability to bring our best selves, the ability to foster healthy relationships as well as the ability to maintain our physical health. I get it. You would need an army of support wherever you can find it in order to make it through, and maybe you don’t have enough of that at the moment.
You have to wear your oxygen mask first.
To sum it up, if staying at a place that doesn’t value you because you don’t seem to belong takes every wind out of your sails, and you’ve come to terms that this is not your fight, leave and don’t look back. I know it’s hard to hear, but be honest with yourself. And if that little voice is telling you that your health can’t take it, understood.
However, if you have the support you need, let’s resist suppression and tackle the system one play at a time. The next person of color, LGBTQ, single parent, and a woman will take our collective vision that much further.
